I'm Scared

I...am bad at blogging. It's been like 20 days. haha.

School is over, kind of. I have a few outstanding assignments left, but I've been working hard to finish up during this past first week of summer. Hopefully everything will be done by tomorrow, when I go in to take a few chemistry tests. Oh my goodness, exams were terrible. Absolutely awful. It's hard to know that I'm capable of so much more. That CF is holding me back in that sense, because of missing so much school. I've been trying not to get down on myself about that, reminding myself that it's not my fault, but I just feel so stupid. "When you try your best, but you don't succeed," as my favorite band would say. Gosh, I love Coldplay. Listening to their music really helps me feel better.

There have also been a few setbacks, recently. The biggest one is Ilene. A few days ago she went into the hospital, only to be directly admitted to the ICU. Her oxygen was so low that she had to go on bipap. She has so much pain and such high fevers, and the scariest thing is that this exactly what happened with Alex. She went into the hospital, was put on bipap, and she never came out. I'm so freaking scared. Luckily, Ilene has been able to take the bipap on and off from time to time and use a regular oxygen mask instead. My mom, Justin and I were even able to visit her yesterday for her 16th birthday. You heard me...she's at the lowest health point in her life on her 16th birthday. Her room doesn't have a shower...her bathroom is just a toilet in the corner with a curtain for a door. If her oxygen gets too low, the monitor beeps and beeps until the nurse comes in to yell at her to put the oxygen mask back on (that happened like every 5 minutes.) I just hate seeing her in so much pain. She had one cough attack that sounded absolutely terrible - I almost started crying. But I'm glad we were able to see her and bring her some goodies and candy. Justin picked her flowers from the gardens around his house, and I gave her three framed pictures. Two are just the two of us, and then one is Ilene, Alex, and me. I love that picture. It was taken less than a month before Alex passed. It's so scary to look at that picture and realize that everything has changed. That things are just going to continue to change. I'm so scared of being the only one left from that picture. I'm scared of none of us being left.