Back-To-School...Senior Year?

Today was my second day as a Saint Joseph High School senior.
I can't believe I'm this old.
What the heck.

I got out of the hospital (as expected) on Monday. Since it was Labor Day, none of the outpatient testing staff was here, so I did bedside pfts. A little less accurate, but helpful nevertheless. I was so happy to find out that my numbers had improved to 75%! After such a successful test, my doctor had no reservations in sending me home. Monday night, however, was a different story.

Basically, I had an anxiety attack. The first day back to school always gets me. Not the first day after summer vacation, but things like coming back from winter break or after getting out of the hospital. I think it's like that for a lot of CFers. We've just spent days and days (if not weeks and weeks) in a clean, quiet, calm environment. It's relaxing. It's safe. People are paid around the clock to take care of you and help you feel comfortable. Coming home from that atmosphere, where you're almost always alone and at ease, to a busy home where you're no longer the center of attention is, quite frankly, stressful. And I don't mean for this to sound self-centered...and if it does, that's not what I intend. It's just a big change. Polar opposites. And boy can I say that I freaked out.

I feel so bad for my boyfriend and my parents. I was going stark-raving mad. Crying and crying about how I wasn't ready to go to school. About how I hadn't completed my homework assignments (which was completely my fault, and really didn't have much to do with the hospital admission) and I had no friends in any of my classes and I had had the most horrible summer of my life. And, looking back, I know how petty and selfish I was being. I had a good summer. There were good moments. But losing your two best friends within two months of each takes its toll on you. My brain is a scary place, right now.

Physically, I feel good. My lungs feel GREAT. My muscles, however, don't. I was too exhausted to use them in the three weeks leading up to my hospital stay, and naturally, I rested for seven straight days when I was there. I'm hoping to get in the gym once I get my PICC line out and get some of my strength back, especially with dance coming up again. It started this week, actually...

That's it, basically. I'm feeling stressed about school and college apps, guilty for my seemingly bi-polar moods and the way I'm taking it out on my loved ones, and just plain tired. But I'm also trying to keep that positivity going. I was only in the hospital for one week. I made it out in time for my last first day. My mom and dad have been so amazingly kind and understanding.

I've just gotta keep dealing with this grief, and try to be happy, again.